By: Fran Martin

Credit To: Psychology Today (some of my blog is research from Psychology Today)

One of my happy places in life now I am realizing. I never in the past would allow myself to feel happiness or enjoy things in life. 

When it comes to our own happiness. 

many of us are familiar with the pattern of taking two steps forward, one step back. For example, if we want to lose weight, we may find that after having some success, which makes us happy, we drift up to a higher weight than we started at. If we find a new activity which fills us with joy, like hiking or yoga, we may realize months later that we have not made any time for doing it. We may even start a new friendship with someone we really enjoy, yet we soon find that we are somehow too “busy” to fit them into our schedule.

If we fall in love, we start making excuses to pull away. And if we succeed in one area, we find ourselves sabotaging ourselves in another. When these instances occur, we often tend to blame circumstances or sheer bad luck. In reality, we are all—to varying degrees—intolerant of our own happiness.

Why might this be?

Many of us are more self-denying than we realize. We tend to think that pursuing the things that light us up is selfish or irresponsible. We all have moments when we listen to an internal critic that encourages us not to set goals or expect too much for ourselves and our lives. This “critical inner voice” is actually triggered when we take steps forward. It reminds us to stay in our place and not to venture out of our comfort zone.

The reasons we harbor these dark, self-sabotaging thoughts are complex, but they lie at the root of much of our maladaptive behavior. By understanding why we listen to this critic and take actions that defeat our well-being, we can gain a stronger foothold in overcoming these obstacles and allowing ourselves to be open to our own happiness.

Here are the five most common reasons we don’t let ourselves have what we most:

1. It disrupts our sense of identity.

No matter how negative our self-perception may be, like a heavy blanket, it can feel familiar, comfortable, and safe. If we start to develop or change ourselves in some way that counters our cruel self-attacks, we can start to feel extremely uncomfortable and anxious. It can feel scary to surpass the way we’ve previously seen ourselves or been seen.

Our critical inner voice is built on old attitudes we were exposed to, usually very early in our lives. The negative ways we were viewed in our family or the ways people around us saw themselves seeped into our consciousness. As adults, we self-parent by maintaining these old attitudes and failing to differentiate from destructive early influences. Yet, methods exist for differentiating ourselves to become our own unique person with a strong sense of self.

2. It challenges our defenses.

Our defenses are like armor we built against whatever hurt us. If we had an absent or rejecting parent or caretaker, we may make a vow to never let anyone too close. If we were often mistreated, punished or misunderstood, we may feel scared to stand out, succeed, or be noticed. We build defenses to adapt to undesirable elements of our early environment, but when we grow up and are in a new situation as adults, these behaviors and patterns are often no longer adaptive.

We may find it hard to maintain intimate relationships or to excel in our careers. We may self-sabotage in countless ways by failing to challenge our defenses. We may even unconsciously seek out situations that were similar to those we experienced growing up, for example, finding a partner who reminds us of someone from our past. We may recreate dynamics from our childhood that, although unpleasant, are familiar and fit with our defenses. If we take the risk and drop our defenses, we make it more likely we will achieve true happiness.

3. It causes us anxiety.

Going after what we want makes us feel more anxious and alive. When we act against our critical inner voice and break with our defenses, we tend to feel pretty stirred up at first. The voice in our head gets louder, and our desire to act against our own interest gets stronger. In these moments, giving up can actually soothe our anxiety by returning us to what’s comfortable and familiar. Yet, it isn’t long before we punish ourselves for messing up. Our inner critic becomes like a sadistic coach, and the self-destructive cycle starts again.

It’s helpful to realize that any effort to change is likely to be met with anxiety. If we hang in there and sweat through this uncomfortable feeling, however, the anxiety will subside. The way to deal with our anxiety is to overcome it by ignoring our inner critic and continuing to take those steps forward.

4. It stirs up guilt. 

Choosing to be happy in the present can represent a break from our past, particularly when we are challenging defenses and choosing a different life for ourselves. It’s very common to feel guilty to be our own separate person and especially to surpass people from our past.

Breaking a point of identity can shatter what my father, psychologist Robert Firestone described as a “fantasy bond,” which we experienced with influential figures in our upbringing. Even a parent who was hurtful to us in many ways was someone we once depended on for survival. Therefore, it may have been more favorable to maintain a fantasy that we were connected to them in some way. This can be frightening to break later in life.

Recent studies have shown that there are very strong links between a parent’s happiness and their children’s, even long after the child has grown up, moved away, or entered into a relationship. This correlation illustrates how powerful this sense of connection can be and calls to question the role of guilt in surpassing a parent. If we push past our guilt and achieve more happiness than our parent, it will make us feel alone, but free.

5. It forces us to face pain.

Psychologist Pat Love once said, “When you long for something like love, it becomes associated with pain.” In many ways, getting what we want makes us feel pain and sadness, because it reminds us of something we didn’t get in our past. New, positive experiences can open up old wounds. In an often unexpected way, those times when we are chosen can make us feel the sadness of times we were rejected. As we come alive, we’re forced to feel the pain of the old reasons for which we created our defenses. 

A fuller, more rewarding life tends to be more full of feeling in general. We can’t selectively numb pain without also numbing joy. If we allow ourselves to feel more love, gratitude, and pleasure, we can expect to feel more sadness over the poignancy of time, loss, and the inherent vulnerability of the human condition.

How to Pursue Your Own Happiness

It’s a strange twist that the very thing that we most want, or that will be best for us, is often what we are most resistant to. No one else can tell us what will make you happy or what’s most important to you. This is something we all have to determine for ourselves, and once we do, it’s our job to fight for it.

There are five good ways to pursue the happiness you desire:

• Don’t go it alone. Share your journey, and tell someone else your goals, so that you feel accountable.
• Recognize a pattern to your critical inner voices and self-destructive behavior. This will help you to recognize when your inner critic is triggered so you can act against its hurtful directives.
• Find active ways to differentiate from negative influences in your past. Try to choose the qualities you want to emulate and reject those you don’t.
• Don’t take the mentality of a victim. Nothing, not even your past, can control you if you’re an independent adult making your own choices.
• Recognize that you’re powerful, capable, and that setbacks won’t unravel you.

Each of these steps represents a large and ongoing challenge, but they are essential to living a life that has unique meaning to you. Contrary to any inner voice that may tell you you’re being selfish, when you create a life of personal value, you become more valuable to the world. Your happiness matters, and it will have a natural, ripple effect.

I would withhold feelings of happiness and joy from myself. I didn’t know how to allow myself to enjoy all things in my life. I didn’t know how. I guess my body was rejecting it because I didn’t know how to allow those feelings into my life.

I did this for so long ever since I was a child I remember doing this. Any time I allowed myself to enjoy myself it felt foreign to me. I pushed it out of my system. I would also sabotage good times and happy occasions in my life because I didn’t know how to handle having a good time I didn’t know how to allow myself to do that.

I now know how to allow myself to have a good time and enjoy my life. I give myself permission because I know that I deserve it. God wants me to enjoy my life fully the way he intended it to be. 

I am in Florida with my entire family this week even my parents and sisters and their families. I went through a lot just this past week emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I got myself in a good place on the plane ride here I needed to cry so I did the whole way walking onto the plane. I cried so hard people were looking at me I didn’t care that is what I needed to do in those moments to feel my emotions and then forgive myself and others to move on and let it go and I did. I never learned how to properly process my emotions when I was younger but I know now how to do it from therapy teaching me. I have a very hard time letting things go and that is what I am learning to deal with now in my life. Forgiveness is the answer from God to do so. 

I am enjoying the hell out of this vacation and it’s only day 1. We are at the beach right now and I am being just being in the moment and fully present. 

I am grateful for this opportunity. 

My sister and I would go to my father’s parent’s house every summer for the summer to stay with them in their house in Florida. We would get on the plane by ourselves and travel down here where our grandparents would pick us up at the airport. I can remember being so excited to see them. It was so much fun coming to stay with them. 

Grandma and Grandpa Martin always made our stays fun. We would go swimming all the time they had access to like 3 pools. Grandma Martin taught me how to swim.

Uncle Harry lived with them my grandfather’s brother and he would always get up at 3am and would go to sleep at 6pm. He would sit out on the sun porch everyday and he would have MTV on the old school television and would listen and watch music videos all day long. We would talk and he would tell us stories about his life I loved it. I loved him.

They had a golf cart and they would let us drive it around with them in it to supervise well my grandmother would supervise. My grandmother would make root beer floats for us every night they were so delicious! 

They would take us out to eat and they would take us to the Daytona Beach. It was amazing! They made our stay special and they made us feel special. My grandma Martin made me feel special. My favorite times with her were riding around in the golf cart having heart to hearts she would listen to me like really listen and give me her wisdom in return I loved it and cherished it. 

I can remember one day we were walking back from the pool and somebody in the park said something rude to my father. This was when the whole family went down one summer and she let the lady have it. She said you are talking to a Vietnam Vet show some respect. And she continued on and let her have it. She always protected her family she didn’t care who it was she was loyal and full of love. 

When it came time to go home and leave I remember being in the back seat holding back tears I wanted them to live near us and I didn’t want to leave them. I hugged them and swallowed back the tears as I got on the plane. They always stayed until the plane took off. On the plane I would cry my eyes out. 

Years later going back there with my fiancée who is now my husband it wasn’t the same my grandmother was sick and at the end of her life. My grandfather had already died. All of her friends in the park were either dead or on their way. Uncle Harry was gone. We visited for a week. I wanted to take her home with us. We had a good time but I knew it was going to be the last time I would visit her home with her alive in it. Bittersweet. 

A few years later when she died I was living up at the prison in staff housing the BOQ basic officers quarters a very tiny one room apartment. My husband and I went to go see her in the morning and she was not in the room. I asked the nurse where she was and she said she had passed. I had to go home. I layed in the bed for a week straight crying my eyes out. I never felt so much pain before in my life. I was grieving hard I looked forward to sleep because then I didn’t have to feel the pain of losing her. When I would wake up in the morning the realization that she was gone sunk in and I cried all day deep cries that would not stop. I felt the pain deep inside. 

The night before she died I whispered in her ear that she was the best grandmother to me. I loved her and could she send me rainbows as her sign that she is with me in life. 

She sent me a rainbow yesterday while I am in Florida. I know it’s her smiling down on me. I miss them so much but I know they are with me everyday. 

Florida. Love. Happiness. Joy. Sorry. Bittersweet moments in time. Peace. Relaxation. Spiritual. God. Heaven. This blog is dedicated to my grandma and grandpa Martin and Uncle Harry God rest their souls up in heaven. Until we meet again keep sending me rainbows Gramm. Xoxoxo