Over the course of years of intensive therapy and professional work, I have come to understand a fundamental truth about human behavior: each of us operates daily from one of three psychological states—our inner child, our adolescent self, or our most responsible adult self. This insight is not just theoretical for me; it is personal, studied, and practiced.

As someone who observes and analyzes human behavior professionally, I find our patterns both fascinating and, at times, deeply unsettling. My experience—both clinical and personal—has taught me how to clearly recognize which version of the self is present in a person’s behavior. Therapy has provided me with the tools to identify these behavioral shifts not only in myself but in those around me, whether consciously or not.

My greatest teachers in this regard have been my own son and my students. They are incredibly perceptive—essentially mirrors, constantly reflecting truths back to me. They teach me something new about myself every single day. I embrace this growth and consciously choose not to take their words or actions personally. Because if I didn’t I couldn’t be a mom or a teacher. My focus is on modeling consistency, accountability, and emotional maturity. I make it a daily commitment to operate from my adult self—for them. Do I falter? Of course. I am human. But the effort is continuous and intentional.

What continues to shock me, however, is the behavior of adults who, instead of embodying maturity, revert to childlike outbursts, passive-aggressive tantrums, aggressive tantrums or irresponsibility—particularly in the presence of children. These regressions are not benign. They often signal unresolved emotional or psychological issues and manifest in ways that are disruptive, disrespectful, and—frankly—damaging to those around them.

In recent weeks, I have witnessed two adults behaving in ways that are utterly inappropriate, especially given the context: in front of children. These displays are not just embarrassing; they are harmful. Children are always watching. They are forming templates for their own behavior based on what we model. My husband and I work hard to ensure our son sees what responsible adult conduct looks like. That is our duty. That is our responsibility.

So when other adults choose to act like children—and then expect to be treated with the respect reserved for mature, responsible individuals—it is maddening. Worse still, attempting to hold them accountable often feels like trying to reason with a toddler throwing a fit: pointless, frustrating, and ultimately ineffective.

Let me be clear—reckless, immature behavior in front of children is unacceptable. On any level. There is no excuse, no justification. Adults who cannot self-regulate in front of children are not only failing themselves—they are failing the very people they are supposed to be guiding.

That said, self-regulation is a skill—and like any skill, it can be developed with intention, practice, and humility. It begins with self-awareness: recognizing your emotional triggers and understanding the version of yourself that’s responding. It involves pausing before reacting, taking responsibility for your emotions, and choosing responses that align with your values rather than your impulses. Techniques like mindfulness, reflective journaling, therapy, and even something as simple as deep breathing can all support emotional regulation. When adults commit to doing this inner work, we not only model strength and integrity—we create safe, stable environments where children can thrive. Growth is always possible. But it requires courage, consistency, and the willingness to do better—not just for ourselves, but for the generation watching us.

1. The Child Self

Characteristics:

• Emotional, reactive: The child self operates primarily from emotion and impulse. It might respond to situations with fear, anger, or sadness in an exaggerated way, without considering the consequences.
• Dependent: When in the child state, an individual may seek external validation, comfort, or care and avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
• Avoidant: Avoids facing difficult tasks or situations, preferring escapism or withdrawing from discomfort.
• Self-centered: The child state often focuses on one’s own immediate needs, desires, and feelings without regard for others’ perspectives.

When a person is acting in their child self: They might throw tantrums when they don’t get their way, lash out without thinking, or become excessively dependent on others. This version is less concerned with the impact on others and more concerned with immediate emotional relief.

Example: An adult having a tantrum in a meeting because their idea wasn’t accepted, or an individual constantly needing others to “fix” their problems without taking responsibility.

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2. The Adolescent Self

Characteristics:

• Rebellious and defiant: The adolescent self is often marked by a sense of rebellion or a desire to assert independence, sometimes in defiance of authority or expectations.
• Impulsive and reactive: This self may make rash decisions or act impulsively without fully considering the long-term consequences.
• Egocentric: Similar to the child, the adolescent self can be self-centered, but it is usually more about identity-seeking—finding where they fit in and asserting their individuality.
• Emotionally volatile: The adolescent self can often be moody, irritable, and intense in emotional responses.

When a person is acting in their adolescent self: They may react to criticism or conflict with anger or defensiveness, rebel against rules or expectations, or make impulsive decisions without thinking through the ramifications. They are often caught between wanting independence and struggling with responsibility.

Example: An adult who responds to feedback defensively, rejects advice, or impulsively quits a job without having a backup plan.

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3. The Adult Self

Characteristics:

• Responsible and rational: The adult self is able to think through situations logically and make decisions based on long-term goals rather than immediate emotional impulses.
• Empathetic and understanding: Operating from the adult self involves empathy, considering the needs and feelings of others, and responding with compassion and respect.
• Self-aware and emotionally regulated: The adult self is capable of managing emotions and can regulate reactions, even in stressful situations. There is an understanding of personal responsibility and accountability.
• Goal-oriented and solution-focused: The adult self is oriented toward problem-solving and achieving goals, both personally and professionally. It tends to focus on what needs to be done and how to get there in a productive way.

When a person is acting in their adult self: They take responsibility for their actions, regulate their emotions, approach challenges in a calm and rational manner, and work toward solutions. They consider others’ needs and take an objective view of a situation, aiming for a constructive outcome.

Example: An adult who listens calmly during a disagreement, evaluates the situation with rationality, and seeks a win-win resolution, or a person who owns up to mistakes and works to improve.

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Summary of What Each Version Means When Acting in That Manner:

1. Child Self:
   • Focuses on immediate emotional reactions or desires, often at the expense of others.
   • Behavior is impulsive, dependent, and self-centered.
   • May avoid responsibility or act out in emotionally immature ways.
2. Adolescent Self:
   • Seeks independence but is often rebellious or defiant.
   • Emotionally volatile, acting impulsively or defensively.
   • Struggles with balancing freedom and responsibility, often making decisions based on identity rather than maturity.
3. Adult Self:
   • Exhibits maturity, emotional regulation, and accountability.
   • Rational, responsible, and goal-oriented.
   • Focuses on solutions, personal growth, and considers the perspectives and needs of others.

So the next time you are out amongst other individuals, take notice of the self that you are representing — the version of you that speaks without words, that walks with a presence, that communicates through tone, action, and energy. Are you reflecting your values? Are you embodying the integrity, compassion, or confidence you hope to cultivate? Because even when you’re not speaking, you are always saying something. Let who you are be intentional — a reflection not just of who you’ve been, but of who you’re becoming.

Love,

Fran xoxo