Disclaimer: This is not a suicide letter. This is a letter to my son to read after I have naturally passed. Hopefully, that will be in the far, far future.

People say, “Are you afraid of death?” The answer is no, not anymore. I used to be afraid, but not until recently, did I not fear it anymore. My relationship with God is a deeply personal one. I believe a relationship with God, begins the very moment we realize our need for him. I am not afraid of death, because, I know that there is an afterlife waiting for me. Waiting for me to meet my Savior and reunite with all of my loved ones who have passed over.

I think what scares me the most, is not being able to say all the things that I want to say to you, Jason Robert, when I am no longer here.

So, this blog is dedicated to you, my son, for when that day comes. And I am certain, that one day you will want to read all of my blogs. I imagined you’ve come here looking to understand me a little more, maybe to feel close, maybe just to hear my thoughts one more time. That alone means more to me than I could ever express in words. The truth is, I wrote for many reasons: to make sense of the world, to remember, to reflect, to help others, to laugh-and yes, to leave something behind for you.

I am so sorry that we ran out of time together.

Jason, you will find pieces of me scattered throughout these posts: the way I saw things, what I believed, what I questioned, what I loved. Some entries may feel heavy, others light. Some may feel distant, others close to your own heart. But every word came from a real place in me, shaped by the life I was lucky enough to live, and often, by the love I had for you.

If there are things I didn’t get the chance to say, moments we didn’t get to share, I hope you can find some of them here. Not the perfect version of me-but the honest one. The one who tried, who failed, who kept learning, who never gave up on herself and never gave into others. The one who loved you endlessly. So read at your own pace, come and go. Laugh. Cry. Disagree if you need to. But always know this: you were one of the greatest gifts in my life from God. And even though I am gone, I’m still here-in these words, and always in your heart.   

This blog #14, entitled, Temporary, is for you, Jason Robert, for when that day comes and I am no longer here. These are all the things I want to say to you when I am no longer here and gone from this Earth.

My Love, Jason, as I sit down to write this letter to you, my heart is full of love, pride, and gratitude. There are so many things that I want to say to you. Things, I sometimes struggle to say out loud, but feel deeply every single day of your life.

I want you to know that it has been an absolute pleasure to be your Mom and to watch you grow up. Watching you hit all of your milestones. You’ve faced challenges with resilience, and celebrated successes with grace. Whether it was your first day of school, a new responsibility, or simply learning something new about yourself-every experience has shaped you. And through it all, you have made me incredibly proud.

I want you to know that I loved you from the very first moments that I found out I was pregnant with you. I loved you as I carried you before you were born. When you finally were born, and the nurses placed you on my bare chest for the first time, a warm feeling enraptured me. I can’t even explain it, in words, what it felt like, but I knew in that very moment that my life would be forever changed. And it was.

From the moment you came into this world, my life changed in ways I never could have imagined. You were my little man, my beautiful, beautiful boy, my little boy, my baby, my love. Jason, you are beautifully perfect to me.

Jason, you, have brought me joy that words can hardly capture, and watching you grow has been one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received. Whether you’re laughing, learning, struggling, or succeeding-I see you. I see your strength, your curiosity, your strong wildness, your generosity, your kindness, and even your moments of doubt. And I want you to know that I love all of it-all of you.

I always said that the days may have been long, but the years flew right on by and they have. When you are in the thick of it-whether it’s school work, work, raising a family, or just handling the everyday responsibilities of life-the days can feel endless. You wake up, go through the motions, and by the time your head hits the pillow, you feel like you’ve run a marathon. Some days are hard. Some are just a blur.

But here’s the part that catches you off guard: the years. They move faster than you think. One moment, I was holding you as a baby, trying to figure out how to be your parent. Then I blinked, and here you are-growing, becoming your own man, finding your own path through life. I am reminding you to pause every now and then. Take in the little moments. Laugh when you can. Say the things that matter to you the most. Hold onto the memories as they are being made, because one day you’ll look back and wonder how it all went by so fast.

Time has a quiet way of slipping past us, but you don’t have to get everything right. Life will stretch you, test you, and teach you-just don’t forget to notice it while it’s happening.

Jason, life may not be easy now that I have gone, but please remember that you are never alone in it. Know that I am only gone for the moment. No matter where life takes you, my love will always find you. I believe in you more than you could possibly imagine, and I am endlessly proud of the person you are.

I can’t begin to express in words the depths of my love for you, because how I feel about you has no words, it’s all an enraptured feeling inside. Jason, it’s a love that is both serene and effervescent, present in the moments and transcending time.

God gave me a precious gift and that was you. Though I have left this world, please know and believe that my love for you hasn’t gone anywhere. Love, after all, is one of the few things that lives beyond time and space.

I watch you now, not with eyes, but with something deeper, my soul. I see your strength, even when you doubt yourself. I feel your laughter, even when the world grows heavy. And I whisper to you in the quiet moments-those thoughts that seem to come from nowhere? Sometimes, they’re me, my love.

I want you to know how incredibly proud I am of you and always have been and always will be. I am proud of the person you have become. I want you to know I carried your dreams in my heart long before they ever came to life, and I believe in you still, in every step you take. Don’t be afraid to live boldly, to love deeply, and to fall-because each time you rise again, you carry a piece of me with you. Take me everywhere you go and I promise you, I will be right there by your side.

For you see, I never left you, it’s just that you can’t see me, but believe me, I can see you. I will be there for you, for it all, baby, I promise you, I will be there with you in all your special moments of life.

I know it’s misery for you right now. Please know that when a heart breaks, it isn’t broken forever. Know the pieces will grow back together, and in time, you’ll be fine. Just know the tears are temporary. Let yourself have a good, deep cry without shame or resistance. Let the tears carry the ache, the memories, the love, and even the questions. There’s strength in feeling; there’s healing in releasing what you’ve held inside. And when that moment has passed and your heart feels just a little bit lighter-I ask you gently, please release me. Not because you’re forgetting me. Not because the love ends. But because I want you to keep living fully, freely, and bravely. My love for you doesn’t vanish with my absence. It stays in your breath, in your laughter, in the quiet strength that carries you forward. Jason, I give you my blessing to keep going on.

I will protect you from above and be your guardian angel. As hard as this may feel, us parting is painful. But, remember the pain is only temporary. Time will heal your broken heart and it’s in those moments of healing that baby, I need you to move on. Jason, I need you to get up, dust off your shoulders, wipe your eyes and move on. It’s okay, my love, everything will be okay, I promise.

You could never leave me behind, because you see, I will be in your heart. For you see, in your heart is where I will live. And there’s gonna be rainy days, but I promise you will get through them. I know this hurts so bad right now. I promise on everything; it will get better. The bad days will start to get better.  And if you want to just break down and cry, just think of all our special moments together, just you and me. You and me.

Remember to take care of those you love. Remember to take care of Ava and Albert, for they are like your sister and brother. Lean on them, they will help you to get through this difficult time.

Forgive quickly and never regret. Laugh loudly. If you are every faced with a choice that you have to make, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And know that in every sunset, every quiet breeze, every peaceful night sky-you’ll find traces of me there. Look for my signs, for, I will leave them for you, my love, swirling all around you. They will be all around you and you can find peace in knowing that it’s me.

I hope your days come easy and the moments pass slow. And you help somebody every chance you get. I hope that this life becomes all that you want it to be.

Always stay true to who you are. Be kind. Be brave. Stand up for yourself, others and the ones you love. Be honest. And never be afraid to reach for your dreams. Even if the roads feel uncertain, trust in your heart-it’s stronger than you think and it will never steer you wrong.  I hope you find God’s grace in every mistake. And always give more than you take.

I am so proud of the man you are-every day. I am grateful that you chose me to be your mom. And I’m grateful for every year we’ve had together. This has been one truly amazing ride my love, thank you so much for taking it with me. 

So on one last note before I go, take me with you in the way you smile, in the quiet moments when you face the world with courage. Carry my voice in your heart, the one that cheered for you in every triumph and held you through every sorrow. Let my love be the steady warmth in your chest, a silent guide when the path ahead feels unclear.

Take me with you in your laughter, in your memories, all your special moments, in the way you love others. Let me live on in your kindness, your resilience, your dreams. I am part of your story now, not in body, but in spirit-woven into your days, your choices, and the love you pass forward.

You were my greatest joy, and you still are. Wherever you go, whatever you do, know this: I am with you.

I will love you into eternity and beyond this lifetime forever and always my love, my baby, my boy,

I Love you. Take your time, I will be waiting for you on the other side.

Mom xoxoxox

I dedicate the song, Beautiful Boy, by, John Lennon to you my beautiful boy.

……You are, and always will be, my beautiful boy-perfect in ways only a mom’s heart can truly understand. No matter where life takes you, my love, or how the world sees you, know that in my eyes, you are enough, exactly as you are. I am so proud of you, and I love you more than words will ever fully say. And you can reread this on the days when you feel sad and maybe even feel alone. I will be right here to remind you just how truly special you are and loved by me. xoxo

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