Full Circle

Dear Ms. M.,

Currently, in my life, I am on a healing journey.  While, on this journey, I have been on an apology tour. First, apologizing to the ones that I love and care about the most.  Secondly, a thankfulness tour too.  

I promised myself, when I got out of the hospital, that I would not live my life not telling the people that I care and love about the most, how I truly, feel about them. I made a decision while in the hospital, that I would honor my truth and be true to myself when I got out. That’s what I have been doing ever since.

Since, getting out of the hospital, I am on a steady regimen of medication that is properly managed by Blue Sky Behavioral Health, LLC, located, in Danbury, Connecticut. Blue Sky, is the place that I started going to when Jason Robert was first born during a time in my life when I had severe postpartum depression.

I know Ms. M., that you remember me having postpartum depression back then, and I experienced the worst kind of postpartum there is. I started seeing a therapist at Blue Sky, and I have been with my therapist now for 7 years. I began an outpatient program there too, when Jason Robert was first born.

It was a time in my life when I was completely lost, deeply depressed, riddled with anxiety, I had disturbing thoughts and suicidal ideations. I was afraid to be alone with my baby and I developed a phobia of going out in public with JR. I couldn’t function as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teacher as a human being. I couldn’t function, period.  

But, I had to take this soon to be journey to go full circle to learn and now know just what I have in my life. I couldn’t see any of it back then, because my mental health was severely compromised. But, I see it all now, as clear as day.

I was completely lost and felt alone in all of this. Big Jay couldn’t understand it, and he was at a loss as to how to help me. He tried his best. My family tried their best and friends tried their best, but it just wasn’t helping.  I didn’t know how to help me.

I know you remember coming up to my classroom at the old S. S. School, one day and I was crying. I said to you that all I wanted at the time was to be a stay at home mom. I just wanted to be with Jason Robert and to never leave his side.

I remember you were so kind and caring and you advised me to do what I felt was the best thing to do for myself. No judgement, just kindness and compassion you showed towards me.

I didn’t know what the hell I was saying, because at the time, I truly didn’t know what exactly I wanted. What I did know, is that I wanted someone to save me from the hell I was living in. So, I thought at the time that being a stay at home mom was my answer. I thought that leaving was my answer.

We couldn’t afford it though. So, again I know you remember me coming in late every day that year after Jason was born and the year after that. I couldn’t get my shit together. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t perform my job properly. I just couldn’t. I was trapped in my postpartum depression; it was killing me slowly. It was destroying the people I loved the most too, because they didn’t know how to help me.

Postpartum depression can cause a wide range of symptoms that impact a mother’s mental health, relationships, and ability to care for the baby.  My relationships were compromised, family problems developed, an emotional strain for everyone close to the baby developed. Depression was dangling in the background for my husband to get because he didn’t know how to help me. Nobody knew how to help me. I was fatigued, depressed, riddled with anxiety, tired and sleep deprived. I felt worthless, ashamed, guilty, frustrated, angry, sad and all alone at the same time. I felt like a complete failure.  

I was falling apart. I also couldn’t shed the baby weight and I would eat my feelings, it was bad. So, on top of everything else I was going through, I started to gain more and more weight, which made me even more depressed.

I thought that if I left S. S. School, and went to work in Danbury that all my problems would be solved. I thought it would be a better move for me. I thought that if I worked right down the road from home, that I could somehow be closer to my baby if he needed me. But, it could not be farther from the truth.

So, from there when I left S. S. School, in 2017 and went to work in Danbury, so began my long, long journey of bouncing from district to district. It was miserable for me. I never found anything that even came close to S. S. School. I searched and I searched and I never found it. I never found my happiness. I never found my home where I belonged. I searched though, oh, how I searched and tried to make it all work. I tried to fit in everywhere I went, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  “If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any farther than my own backyard.” -Judy Garland

If you ever get a chance check out my blog called skiesofblue.org and read my story entitled, Career, it explains my whole journey.

Skiesofblue.org was also created in honor of my outpatient facility that I still continue to go to this day. Blue Sky Behavioral Health, LLC located in Danbury, Connecticut. Blue Sky Behavioral Health, LLC and my therapist saved me. They saved my life.

I learned so many things when I was working in other schools. I learned that the grass is never greener on the other side. I learned that people can be mean, showing that they only care about themselves. I learned when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up. I learned that not everyone is your friend. I learned that people will stab you in the back and smile in your face while they are doing it. I learned about people in general from observing their behaviors. I learned that everything you see isn’t what it always seems. And God knows that I tried seeing the bright side, but I’m wide awake, and I am not blind anymore. I see everything oh, so ever clearly now.

I learned so many valuable lessons along my hellish journey. When I left S. S. School, I went through a total of seven principals. I have to say that you, Marie, you, are and always have been the best principal ever in the world.

You are a good, kind, caring, loving, compassionate, understanding, loving, firm but fair and awesome principal. You truly care about the kids that go to S. S. School, you always have. S. S. is your fifth child, and you take care of it in the same way you do with your own children.

One of the most awesome things that always stood out in my mind about you is that you always come to each classroom, first thing in the mornings. You know all of the student first and last names, you know all of their stories that attend the school. It’s truly remarkable. You pour your love into the students and staff each and every day.

Your attention to detail is impeccable, knowing all of the student’s names and stories is beyond impressive and something to be admired for. These seven other principals that I worked for could not hold a candle to you. Not one of them did and do what you do, not one. When I say all of this, I am being completely honest. I respect and admire you so much.

I worked for people who didn’t know the student’s names in the building. I worked for people who literally, sat in their office all day long, never really coming out. I worked for people who micromanaged. I worked for people who were truly at their core, just not good people, mean and evil. I worked for people who were shady and conniving. I worked for people who were out to get their staff members. I worked for people who spoke down to their staff. I worked for people who just were not qualified to be a principal, much less be in a school. I worked for people who did not understand me and know me the way that you do. I worked for people who did not understand mental health period.

I learned very quickly, that I should have never left S. S. School. I knew it the moment I started my first day in Danbury. I knew it when I called one of my old colleagues from S.S. School, first thing in the morning on the first day of school, right before the kids came in and I heard her voice. I felt it in my soul, with my whole being that I had made a huge and profound mistake.

I didn’t know what I had until it was all gone. I learned very quickly that the grass was most certainly, not greener. But, I had to go on this journey to realize and know what I have now. Now, I do not take anything for granted anymore. Now, I make sure that I get up at 4am, go to the gym and get to S. S. School at 6:30am. I make sure that I am an hour early to work. I make sure that I look professional and act professional.  I make sure that my paperwork is flawless and on time. I make sure that I am put together.

I treat S.S. School, like it is my second child that I never had. I go to New York Bariatric Group for my monthly check ins for my weight management from when I got a sleeve gastrectomy.  I see my therapist at Blue Sky Behavioral Health, LLC, twice a month. I go for my medication checks twice a month and I get ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy Treatments) at Danbury Hospital twice a month to manage my depression. I take my mental health very seriously now. Very seriously.

I wish I had this insight when my son was first born and regimen, because I would have had another child. But, I didn’t, at the time, because I was terrified of getting postpartum depression even worse the second time around. So, I didn’t. I guess the hard truth is, I was never meant to have another child.

If you want to know about my therapist and what kind of a therapist he is, go to my blog skiesofblue.org and read the story entitled, A Man by the Name of Dave. He saved me more than he could ever know. He went on my journey through it all, and, I will forever be grateful to him as well for helping me.

I wish I knew then, what I know now. I am a firm believer that things in life always happen for a reason and that I was meant to go on this journey. I had to go on this journey to learn so many valuable, life lessons. I believe that God wanted me to go on this journey. He needed me to.

You see the truth is, evolution has to be a roller coaster, because real growth comes through disruption. Without the ups and downs, without being pushed out of our comfort zones, we stay locked in conditioned patterns of being. So, you see, God did this, for me, not to me. He brought me full circle.

So, Ms. M., you see the truth is that, I wanted to say to you, that, I am truly sorry that I ever left S. S. School. I am sorry I ever let you down. I am sorry that when I became sick, recently with Bipolar Disorder, that I was not myself.

But, you and Christine by the grace of God, recognized that I was not me, the real me, the me that I am now. You both knew something was seriously wrong and off. I am grateful towards Christine for keeping a close eye on me during that time. I thank you too, so much for not getting rid of me. I thank you for knowing in your heart that Martin was not Martin during that time in my life. I thank you for being so connected to and understanding mental health issues. I thank you for giving me a second chance at all of this. I thank you for believing in me and seeing the real me. I thank you for knowing who I am and what I am capable of when it comes to teaching. I thank you for believing in me and truly caring about me. I thank you for bringing me home, where I belong. I thank you for being a really good friend. I thank you for it all and more. I can never thank you enough, but I will tell you what I will do to show my thanks is to pay it forward. I will pay it forward until the day I die.  

I will forever be indebted to you for it all. I want to say thank you for being who you are and being kind and caring towards me. I wanted to say thank you for always being an awesome principal.

I will forever be grateful towards you, forever. I will always do my best here at S. S. School and show my students what real love feels like and kindness. I will always do my best every day. I will not only show up for myself every day, but I will show up for you and the kids. I will always put my best foot forward here. This too, will be my way to show you that I am thankful, by my actions. My way of saying, “Thank you!”   

The real truth is, I was never as happy as I was, when I was here at S. S. School.

I am home now, where I belong, where I always belonged. I just had to go off, on my own journey to realize it.

“Well I – I think that, that it wasn’t enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em-and it’s that-if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again. I won’t look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?”-Judy Garland

I love you more than you could ever know.

Love,

Martin xoxox